Discovery

Last Friday, I took Justin to the airport for his trip to L.A. and then Taiwan, thus ending what has been a good romantic relationship. When he returns in August, he will be here for a day and a half, and then on to visit family, and then off to England/India. We've known that this was coming since mid-May but still, there really is no way to prepare for it...

In the beginning, I really wanted to go to India. In fact, before he even got the job, I had been kind of planning on it; to quit my job, ship Oliver back to Iowa, and put everything into storage. What would I do while away and jobless? I had thought of going to Bangkok and working on my GIA classes, being only a short trip away to visit occasionally, or seeing about a job where Justin would be. However, almost immediately that prospect was decided against. I am a people person, thriving with human interaction and relationships. What would I do in a monastery in North central India for three plus months, where everyone is spending all of their time studying, prepping for classes and other such things, or in a foreign country where I know absolutely no one or any of their customs. I would go stir crazy, and we decided it would be best if he went alone.. Even now, I still want to go.

So, as I type, Justin is on a fourteen hour flight to Taiwan, and I am aching inside. I was fine dropping him off at the Missoula airport, with only a few sad tears. And when one is busy, as I was over the weekend, I was also just fine. However, as I told him before he left, it would sink in this week, after he'd been gone for a couple of days. I made it until about noon on Monday before I realized what was causing my foul mood and depressed state of mind.

Of course, it doesn't help that his office is empty, save the desk and chair that I am now using. I need to make it mine now, because that is what this apartment is; mine. I'm not sure I like that. It reminds me of something else that I had with someone else. Something that I have long recovered from and moved on from, but now it seems as though I must move on and recover, again.

I posted this quote a few weeks ago, but somehow it fits here as well. It is from "Eat, Pray, Love"

"The karmic philosophy appeals to me on a metaphorical level because even in one lifetime it's obvious how often we must repeat our same mistakes, banging our heads against the same old addictions and compulsions, generating the same old miserable and often catastrophic consequences, until we can finally stop and fix it."

What I must find out is what are my mistakes, addictions, and compulsions. What is it that I am doing to make myself have to go through this over and over again? It must be stated here that I have no regrets, and if given the option to relive the last ten years of my life, I wouldn't change a thing, because I wouldn't be who I am today, or where I am today, without having lived my life the way I did.

I wonder what will happen next...