Just what I'm looking for...

It seems that whenever I get interested in something, it starts turning up in articles that I read or headlines that I come across. A couple of months ago, I began looking in to working with sterling silver again, mostly because it is inexpensive compared to gold, and also thinking that I may want to start selling it in a friend's boutique. So I started thinking about using reticulation as a texture on some of the silver. Low and behold, in that month's issue of Jewelry Artist there were two articles on the subject. I started playing around with it and have gotten some fun results that I will have to photograph and show here.

My latest interest stems from my diamond grading class through GIA. I'm wanting to use different gems in my designs, and thought that getting a hold of some rough diamonds might be the ticket. Yet again, Jewelry Artist Magazine has an article in this month's issue just about that! I was delighted to read that I can get decent amounts of rough in various sizes for just a little bit of money. Now mind you, they won't be perfect octahedrons, and they won't be crystal clear, but I think that perfect stones wouldn't fit my designs anyway. Part of what will make them more interesting is that they aren't ideal, but beautiful in their own right.

Something else that I've been meaning to put together is a stage to photograph my jewelry. In last month's issue of Photography Journal there was an article on how to light and shoot jewelry. Perfect, right? Now I just need to make a setup for all of the jewelry that I am about to finish.

So now I'm off to the drawing board to make these ideas a reality. Below is a pendant that I just completed for one of my clients.

Photo Friday

Starting today, I am going to start posting photographs every Friday, otherwise I will never edit them, and no one will ever see what I think is worthy of photographing. And since I've been told by many people that I take excellent shots, I might as well let the world see them.

Wildflower on Mt. Sentinel

Sunset from Mt. Sentinel

Sunset over the Clark Fork River

Pictures of the Pacific while I was recently in L.A.

Climbing out

Hello again...I'm still here, just wondering what to say...

I've just returned from a weekend in Los Angeles with Eve, Justin's sister. It was a great break from my usual routine, and although I was a tad bit apprehensive about spending the entire weekend with someone I had met only for a few days at Christmastime, in the comfort of familiarity, I was at ease almost instantly. If only that connection existed in more of my relationships. I had no agendas while I was away, aside from just enjoying myself. I didn't want to or plan to go out to any hot spots. All I wanted was to hang out, in a new city, with a new friend, and relax. And that I did. After a late arrival on Friday evening, I was welcomed with wine, cheese, and olives, all three of which are some of my favorite indulgences. Saturday brought us to a very windy beach, where I walked in seaweed, got my toes tickled by the cool Pacific Ocean waters, lost my sunglasses, and devoured fried seafood.

Great days like this make me forget that just a few weeks ago I was in a rut so deep that I didn't know if I would ever be able to climb out. Around that time, I was just fresh out of a retreat, and then reality set back in. I'm the type of person who needs to be around people, but at that time, they were sucking me dry, wilting my happiness with every conversation. I was so confused...it was starting to be nice out, with a lot of sunshine so why was I suddenly so sad? I suppose that it doesn't help that I have only been able to run once since May 2nd due to a knee injury, or perhaps it is one of my favorite friends that is frustrating me lately. Or maybe it's just me. Last year I read a great book that made me realize that I am the only one responsible for everything being the way it is in my life. Perhaps it is time to revisit that lesson.

I was asked recently if I was out of my rut. Without hesitation, I said yes, and that sadly, is not the full truth. While it is not as intense as it was, it still lingers, cropping up and reminding me that it is still there. I don't want to be a burden to my friends, so it is easier to say that I am "okay" or "fine". With most people I can convince them that such things are true, however, there are a few that see right through me. There are days where I am so happy that I forget the darkness of the previous day, or the torment of the restless nights that seem to be occurring more frequently. I still can find sunshine on a cloudy day, just not everyday. I'm not as optimistic as I used to be, which may in fact be a good thing, for I can not turn water into wine anymore than I can control the weather around me.

It seems that when I am on a creative streak that my level of happiness improves. It just so happens that I am starting several new one of a kind pieces this week, and am developing a line of sterling silver jewelry to be installed in one of my friend's boutiques here in Missoula. With luck, I will be back to my old self in no time!

Rebirth

Spring is a time of rebirth, allergies, and yes, Spring cleaning. As the trees are putting out more leaves every day, the flowers are also starting to bloom after a long rest here in Montana. I find myself still looking forward to even warmer days, and mornings where I can lazily sip my coffee in the backyard. Perhaps I should slow down and enjoy the crisp morning air, that is, if I can stop sneezing long enough to stay out in it!

Ah...choo! I've been battling allergies pretty badly since December. I'm not really sure what I'm allergic to, but whatever it is, it seems to be worse in the morning and afternoon. On my run tonight, nothing in the air bothered me, and I'm still not sneezing. Although, it could be that I remembered to take an allergy pill this morning.

As for Spring cleaning, I have yet to really start. I try to keep up on the dust bunnies but the basement still needs work, as do other areas. I don't just think that cleaning is "cleaning". In the last couple of weeks I have tried to alleviate the drama in my life, and if I can't change/manage it, I've tried to either ignore it or realize that it really doesn't matter. Still, I think that this Spring has been a cleansing one, preparing me for what lies ahead in my life.

Almost made it

Today, I almost completed my goal of actually running all of my training miles for the week. This is something that I have yet to accomplish, and I am just completing my eighth week of marathon training. Early on, it was running on a treadmill that kept me from getting my distances in due to boredom. Also, for the first two weeks of training I was suffering from a pretty rough chest cold. After that it was lung endurance and me just quitting when I got tired and sore. Being away from home for the retreat also stopped me from running normally. So when I got home last weekend, I was going to get the entire long run for that week in. And I did. I was sore and tired and slow the last three miles, but I did it!

What happened today is actually making me mad. I had a dull ache in my right knee around two miles. Around 5.5 miles, it turned into a sharp pain, and every forward movement of my right leg hurt like hell. Landing hurt even worse. I decided that as I passed my apartment, I would stop and ice it and see if it got any better before I finished the last 5.5 miles to complete the prescribed 13. Alas, that was not to happen. Justin did some searching for what my injury might be and it looks like my knee is just inflamed from overuse. Perhaps running the six mile run on Friday instead of Thursday is to blame. Whatever it is, I will be icing and taking it easy for a few days.

It just goes to show that nothing is a certainty. Just because I had a great six mile run on Friday, doesn't mean that I will run well the next time. I am very glad that I put aside my stubborn side and listened to my body. Had I run even a mile further, I can't imagine how much pain I would be in, as already, I feel worse than I did when I first stopped running today.

I still have a love/hate relationship with running. I hate that I'm hurting, but I love the way I feel during and after a run (except today, or course).

Retreat

Last Wednesday concluded my first five day silent retreat. I went in knowing that it would be silent and that I wouldn't be "hanging out" with Justin. I also knew that it was going to be a time to hang out with myself, by myself, and figure out what was going on in my head, and to let things happen there, and hopefully slow it down a bit.

The eight hour drive down was a practice in silence. Already, Justin and I were hardly speaking, and I was thinking the whole time that we should be just because we won't be speaking for the next five days. For the record, I don't feel that way anymore. If there's nothing to talk about, why fill peaceful silence with mindless chatter? It did help me prepare for silence at the retreat.

To be honest, once we arrived and got settled in our separate rooms, I didn't want to be there at all. I was full of anxiety, realizing that I was leaving behind all the comforts of home and friends completely for five whole days. What if I hated it? What if I couldn't handle what came up in my mind? What if it drove me crazy? Well, I was there, and I'll be damned if I quit something before I even start.

By Saturday afternoon, I was finding that I can sit still, and I can go without speaking. The days would start at 6am and formally end at 9:30pm, with sitting and walking meditation alternating throughout the day. In the afternoons, I helped in the kitchen chopping veggies for dinner, which was also a kind of meditation. It seemed to set me up for my best sit of day for the duration of the retreat. However, I was already feeling as if I were all alone in this room of so many people. I wondered if they felt the same...

Monday...was difficult, to say the least. The five day group was divided into two smaller groups that would be meeting with the teacher, John Travis. My group met in the morning and we all got a chance to ask a question or two, and he/group would comment and advise. I left feeling like my life was peachy, and that the torment that some of the others carry with them everyday would be unbearable to me. I also left with a newfound way at which to look at my meditation practice. While sitting, stories and daydreams come up. Instead of trying to refocus on the breath, I would focus on the emotions that they conjured up and where they took me. This is where the difficulty came into play. Every chance I got to sneak away from view of the others, mostly during walking periods, or the lunch and dinner breaks, I caught myself tearing up. I hadn't spoken to anyone (except my group), or had any physical contact with anyone. I was starting to feel like I was disappearing. And then, I did it. As Justin and I were passing each other, I reached out and embraced him, just for a moment, and then continued on. That bit of contact with him was what I needed, a bit of reassurance to get me through.

Tuesday was the exact opposite of Monday. By mid-morning, I had found, and followed my bliss. I had been told that around day four or five this happens, but I did not expect the depth of it. I would walk around in the woods just smiling, and thinking I'd never been this happy, and content before in my life. I realized sometime that day that my creative mind was making me paranoid for no reason, that things are just the way they are. PERIOD. There is no underlying story, no one is out to get me and make me unhappy. I am the person that makes me happy, or unhappy. I was starting to dread the end of our retreat. Although we hadn't hardly spoken, I was feeling like I knew these people, and that they were my friends.

At our closing circle I cried. No big surprise there. They were tears of joy, sadness and gratefulness. I think I laughed too, or at least I made everyone else laugh, not at me, but with me. And then I was even more sad to be leaving.

What did I take away from all of this? I talk, way to much, about nothing. I'm aware of it, and am mindfully working on changing that. I also don't need to be as busy of a bee as I have been. Yes, I need to keep up on my school work, and hang out with friends, but I also need time for me, without the distraction of others. Also, that I can deal with problems without dragging anyone else in. Although, having a girls night to vent will still find it's way into my schedule!

Upon returning to work and friends, I realized that I missed them both, but also found that they are still overstimulating to me right now. It was nice to stay in last night while Justin went to one of our meditation groups so that I could spend a couple hours alone.

Busy bee

I've kind of fallen out of my blog habit. With work, running, hanging out with friends, and working on my class, it just isn't a priority.

I'm pluggin' away on my class, hoping to finish in the next month or so. It is going a bit slower than I would like, as I am just under halfway through with it and I've been working on it for six weeks. Part of this is due to too many distractions. The weather has turned nice again, and I just have to be out in it at night! Also, running 4 days a week takes a bit of my class time away, and when I am able to sit down and work, I am so tried that I start to nod off. Also, this material is familiar to me, but is no longer review. I am learning about how diamonds form, their crystal structure, and how that relates to how they are fashioned into the beautiful gems you see in the jewelry stores. It really is mind blowing what a diamond goes through in it's long life. Just the other day, I had an "aha" moment, when something finally clicked. This moment has triggered a study frenzy in me. I have a newfound drive to learn more, and as quickly as I can!

Our studies will have to be put on hold for about a week, as tomorrow, Justin and I head to Jackson, WY for a five day retreat. It will be my first and I am looking forward to what I will take away from it. My mind is so overloaded right now, that it is driving me crazy. To be able to slow it down for a few days at least will be a welcome treat. The Grand Tetons are a favorite place of mine so it will be a splendid week, with camping for two nights after the retreat to spend time in nature with my camera and Justin.