I've just returned from a weekend in Los Angeles with Eve, Justin's sister. It was a great break from my usual routine, and although I was a tad bit apprehensive about spending the entire weekend with someone I had met only for a few days at Christmastime, in the comfort of familiarity, I was at ease almost instantly. If only that connection existed in more of my relationships. I had no agendas while I was away, aside from just enjoying myself. I didn't want to or plan to go out to any hot spots. All I wanted was to hang out, in a new city, with a new friend, and relax. And that I did. After a late arrival on Friday evening, I was welcomed with wine, cheese, and olives, all three of which are some of my favorite indulgences. Saturday brought us to a very windy beach, where I walked in seaweed, got my toes tickled by the cool Pacific Ocean waters, lost my sunglasses, and devoured fried seafood.
Great days like this make me forget that just a few weeks ago I was in a rut so deep that I didn't know if I would ever be able to climb out. Around that time, I was just fresh out of a retreat, and then reality set back in. I'm the type of person who needs to be around people, but at that time, they were sucking me dry, wilting my happiness with every conversation. I was so confused...it was starting to be nice out, with a lot of sunshine so why was I suddenly so sad? I suppose that it doesn't help that I have only been able to run once since May 2nd due to a knee injury, or perhaps it is one of my favorite friends that is frustrating me lately. Or maybe it's just me. Last year I read a great book that made me realize that I am the only one responsible for everything being the way it is in my life. Perhaps it is time to revisit that lesson.
I was asked recently if I was out of my rut. Without hesitation, I said yes, and that sadly, is not the full truth. While it is not as intense as it was, it still lingers, cropping up and reminding me that it is still there. I don't want to be a burden to my friends, so it is easier to say that I am "okay" or "fine". With most people I can convince them that such things are true, however, there are a few that see right through me. There are days where I am so happy that I forget the darkness of the previous day, or the torment of the restless nights that seem to be occurring more frequently. I still can find sunshine on a cloudy day, just not everyday. I'm not as optimistic as I used to be, which may in fact be a good thing, for I can not turn water into wine anymore than I can control the weather around me.
It seems that when I am on a creative streak that my level of happiness improves. It just so happens that I am starting several new one of a kind pieces this week, and am developing a line of sterling silver jewelry to be installed in one of my friend's boutiques here in Missoula. With luck, I will be back to my old self in no time!